Tomorrow’s gonna be the start of something new. I see it as a new page wherein things in my life open out in a new adventure. It’s going to be a chapter that will shape the most of who I will be in the next few years.
Having a job after passing the intensive interviews is all that happened today. And tomorrow, I am starting my so-called job, hoping that everything will work well - let grace, wisdom, passion and strength be with me everyday.
To tell you honestly, I’m not excited, thrilled nor even sympathetic about it coz it’s not something I have always looked forward to. I don’t feel blank or numb either. But I feel so melancholic and I think it all started last night, when I was browsing the letters, emails given to me by the most special person in my life – dad. I had to browse them because I need to get back to some projects during college and for most of them, I asked for his help.
In his every response, and comments about my projects are his notes to me. Even in those simple letters he cared so much like no one else ever did. He cared. He openly expresses his love, appreciation, and concern on everything about me. I wasn’t always a nice daughter, but he is always a good father. I always fail to believe in myself but he always do… and he makes me believe in myself. I can’t imagine what I could have become without his rebukes, confrontations, advices, and his incomparable countenance -just being himself, a father to me. Thank God, he gave me such a father, and for once in my life. I had these memories with the best dad in the whole world.
I was crying all night because of that, every time I remember him, I miss him so bad…it’s really deep and painful still. And yes, I walked to the office today with my swollen eyes, my make up couldn’t even hide it. Haha. Anyway, I always thought I wouldn’t be in a difficult situation like this if he is here. He always makes a move before situations get worse, he confronts and his advices are never late. Yeah, I am a person in need, so broken inside now. Ever since I marched up to get my dummy diploma, I didn’t actually know what’s gonna be next. It was as if during that day, all my dreams faded in an instant, and all of a sudden I was in a wilderness and lost. I was hungry, thirsty and so so dry. I always knew myself as a strong person, a fighter, but during those times, I didn’t know me… and I was literally alone. I felt too weak to fight for certain things, and too alone to do so.
So melancholic right? No one understands. No one even dared to come across the borders of my heart just like my dad always do. Not even the mentors I always looked up to, nor the people I love and I see every day. No one. Ok, so I have all the reasons to feel so alone. (but not lonely)
But last night when I was reading my dad’s letters, there’s one thing that caught my attention - JOY. It’s in my name right, haha. I haven’t seen it in my own name, but I felt it in those letters… mostly, I always felt it when he was with me. He was always joyful, so even in his letters it reflected. He’s not telling jokes, funny stories or whatsoever (that’s papansin :p ), you can feel his joy in every word, he was so proud of me, and rejoices over me. He is filled with joy with the kind life that he is living, even if it’s hard and requires a lot of sacrifices… and I remembered that joy is also something I always had when he was still alive. Yeah. Now I know that was the difference. Joy.
This might be the sweetest melancholy. After my realizations, I wanna have that joy once again. I desired to be happy. I desired to be free once again. I spend time with Dad, the one up there. I couldn’t ask him the questions “why” but I just basked myself on Who he is. I may not really hear… but I trust – in a deeper way.
Now joy is a choice and condition of the heart so that no matter what happens, deep in a heart that knows Who He is, joy remains. We can rejoice in trials, pain and suffering because of Who He is. He wipes the tears from all faces, He wiped my tears away and that is such a breathtaking touch from his hand. So without those tears, I would have not felt it. Now I know, why brokenness always attracts him. In brokenness, humility and surrender, He can make himself known in deeper ways. And with a deeper knowledge of Him joy becomes like an even more precious gem deep within us.
He restored joy in my heart, even if my eyes are still swollen, even if I’m realizing a lot of things –moving forward still, and even if things are not the way I used to imagine it to be. I have this joy in my heart. And with this joy, I dream once again. The inner atmosphere inside of me is almost ready to soar once again.
Changing directions in life is not a disaster, losing passion in life is. I hope everything will go well in the next 12 months, a lot of things will surely happen. I may not be an engineer or microchip programmer but I might be a better writer! In the entirety of it, may I never forget the place that completes my joy, and the One Who is my joy. I hope the blue guitar finds a space in my new room when I move out, I hope there will still be songs everyday - and fire me up with passion everyday.
I’m not stopping at this point anyway, I want to find the things that I really want to do, find the people who will make sense in my chaotic world, find the things I don’t get tired doing (worship ba ito?) hehe, find my pwerfect will? Not really in the list-but can be if he finds me LOL, find life, find where I fit in or the outside atmosphere that will bring about maturity and release that hidden destiny in me, find the thing that was taken away – my space where I can lead, learn and be myself once again.. and this time, great things will happen. GREATER THINGS!
Coz, no matter, how intricate were the paths we’ve taken, He always leads us HOME – WHERE GREATER THINGS HAPPEN! And I give Him thanks.
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